So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
