Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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