There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't deserve a penis
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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