why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
