I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
