call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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