She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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