My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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