That's intense
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
