So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
