Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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