I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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