Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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