I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
