Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
