i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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