I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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