Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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