i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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