I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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