I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
