Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
