I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
