I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
