Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
