I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
