are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
