my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
