I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
