the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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