I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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