I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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