I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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