I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
