come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
