we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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