My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
