i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
