I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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