and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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