two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
