I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
