I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
