you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
