I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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