Someone shit on the floor
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
