WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
