Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
