Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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