its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
