No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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