I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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