it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
