I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
