I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
