just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
