Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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