he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize