I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
