so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
