1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
