they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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