Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
