Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
