Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
