Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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