Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
