oh god the rape fog is back!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
