Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
